Hi!! So i had an interesting night. Sadly i drank too much to work through some drama. However i had a great talk with my sis n law. I finally admitted out loud (which helps cement those self realizations in to your brain) that i have been a very self centered person.
You may be thinking "no you just did a very unselfish deed with Riley!!" but even selfish people can have selfless moments. My whole life i have been a true Leo..i expected the world to revolve around me. I got in trouble or drama and expected no consequences never thinking of how my actions affected others. When my parents divorced i ran,hence leaving my brother and sister..and im sure my parents too...feeling even more betrayal and abandonment. I never even.considered them just that I was hurt and scared. And when i moved out of my moms after having my first son i didnt think of her,my sister or my son. I thought of playing grown up. When i had moments of depression and tried to kill myself (more than once) i always just saw ending MY life never how it would basically end my families too. I have put my family last always. I have put them through hell and back.
This light bulb moment of mine last night,although swimming in whiskey, made me realize that as much as i want to get my life together for ME (as always) and for my sons...my family deserves to say their proud of me. Ive never given them anything good to say. I cant imagine how they find responses when asked about me if you run my life down its not a pretty paragraph. Its like when you see your friends not so cute baby (yes they do exist lets not lie) and the only response you can say honestly is "what a healthy baby" or "super cute outfit" yea we have all been there!! Well im sure my family has those ugly baby moments with me "well shes pretty and is a great writer" lol i mean they cant say "well she was in prison and has had abortions and adoptions...shes a sucker for men and lets that focus her life down the drain" or maybe "she got over a bad meth addiction and out of an unhealthy relationship...once."
So my hangover provided time to realize its time (@27) to get my shit together! To work my ass off to create a life,that although may not be mansions and Ducatis, my family can have good honestly proud things to say about me. After all "they" (whoever they is) say If someone doesnt stick around for the bad they dont deserve the good moments....my family has more than proven they deserve those good moments with me!
(Picture of me before all the corruption...when my family was proud of me)
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