The most thankful Thanksgiving yet

Happy Thanksgiving everyone out here in cyber world!! I hope everyone has enjoyed their day and remembered to be thankful for all things big and small.Thanksgiving is one of those days that i am reminded of how very much i have to be thankful for.How sad that it takes a tradition to make me realize how good i have it.I wish i could say i am thankful everyday but it would be a lie,i will admit i am a whiner.I take my life and blessings for granted.
  It was actually a phone call and a Facebook message yesterday that brought light to my blessings.The phone call was from an old friend from prison.And i had to remind myself of the five Thanksgivings that ,although surrounded by people i chersih dearly, was Thanksgiving of a different breed.I remember being thankful that unlike some of my friends i was not serving a life sentence.That unlike others i knew i wasnt suffering an addiction.And unlike family members i had lost,i was alive.O how very much more i have to be thankful for this year.
  The Facebook message was from a lover and friend who is deployed right now. And i had to remind myself that although i wished for more in my life i was not in a warzone.Compared to my brother and my friends all deployed my life was gravy. Although i wished this man on the other end of the message and I were in a place to be more serious.That i could somehow confess to being madly in love with him. That i could change myself into someone he deserved to be with. I have so very much to be thankful for.
 Then i had to remember that this time last year i was recovering from an abortion and a suicide attempt. I had just ran from my pains to Kansas. My brother and his wife had saved me by calling me up. I was spending Thanksgiving with a man that would later give me an std and then swear it was the other way around hence destroying my name to my brother and his company. I was learning to feel sexy by being a slut and hence destroying all relationships with my family.So once again this year i have so much more to be thankful for.
  Its hard most of the time to keep in mind how much can change in short periods of time. Hell just four months ago i was walking into an adoption agency that i knew nothing about,terrified to speak to anyone let alone build friendships. I was looking at profiles and trying to decide how to know who was meant to raise my baby. I was googling open adoption and questioning everyone i could on the Abrazo Forum. Now i am getting visits and pictures of my son. I am excited to text my friend and not just Rileys mom.I am realizing the blessing god has bestowed via great,motivational people in my life through Abrazo.I am grasping the new passion in my life of Open adoption.
 I got to cook Thanksgiving feast with my baby sister who is my best friend.It was nice i felt like a real family and a good big sister.I didnt feel like the ex convict,unable to mother,jobless bum big sister i felt like a normal big sister.We laughed and played and it made the best memories.
  So this thanksgiving i have so very much to be thankful for.Looking back over time this is the best Thanksgiving yet.And i know with the mindset all this new positivity brings me its just the first of many! Where were YOU last year this time?Or two,five,ten years ago? Food for thought.

The itty bitty turtle

So ive recently been gifted a box of things including books. One of those books i found quite odd, The bathroom joke book....however upon inspection i found a joke about adoption i found far too cute to not share! So hopefully ya'll like it too.
An itty bitty turtle starts to climb a tree very slowly. After many hours,he finally reaches the top, jumps in the air frantically waving his front legs,and crashes into the ground,knocking himself silly. When he recovers, he slowly makes his way to the top of the tree again, jumps and falls just as hard to the ground. This happens time after time after time.
Two birds were sitting at the edge of a branch, watching painfully at what was happening. At one point, the female bird said to the male bird, "Honey, i think it's time to tell our little baby that he's adopted."

  So as hilariously cute this joke is, and i do love it. It's also a great reminder of why starting early in your childs life on explaining adoption is so important to their development. After all itty bitty turtle could have been working on becoming the speediest wise turtle to ever race a hare instead of trying to fly out of trees.

Why do YOU help others?

SO has anyone watched that movie with Eddie Murphy called A Thousand Words? If not you really should! It is so cute and at the same time makes you really think about alot of things in life you may other wise leave untouched.Now i may start sounding a bit philosphical and if so i apologize but it really has me thinking!
  So have you ever watched a movie that really makes you want to go out and do random good deeds for people?Well this was one of those movies for me.So as i stood out on the balcony after watching it i thought about reasons i would want to do good deeds.You know the random collection of helping the community when you otherwise wouldnt.Well i think in my mind i was hoping that if i did enough good deeds that good things would then happen to me.Which oddly enough is also one reason why i strive to better my relationship with God and church,to have a better life.
  Isnt it funny how our minds work?My life isnt working so well,im having really bad luck.Hey i know i can go to church,start praying and i'll feel better about myself because i have something GOOD to belive in.Right?Not to say that God and church don't have some real base to making genuine better people because they really do! But in general alot of people including myself start going in order to be happier.That magic pill to lead you down the right path this time.How many times have you seen a cranky person coming out of a church?SEE!!! That is my point!
  Just like when you start feeling like your life cant get any worse,you go out to homeless shelters and abused women half way homes.In some deep corner of your mind you are using these peoples hardships to force you to appreciate your own life.I am guilty of this too so dont feel like im throwing stones.I will even admit to those moments of judgement when i feel really ugly and then get a self esteem boost when i see someone i find uglier.Sick isnt it?But you know what i dont think i am the only one who has done this.
  So whats the point of my rambling? Is it the reason you help others or seek God that matters or the FACT that you do it? I think whatever drives you to go out and help or to go out and seek ANYTHING that makes you strive to be a better happier person,is a great thing! Well unless you are really in need of mental help and o i dunno killing people or something is what makes you feel happier than no that is not a great thing.
  So in this holiday season when there is an overwhelming sense of "helpitude" (yes my own word i just made it up but you get the meaning) I love that people want to help others so much more during the holidays.I was in prison for 5 years and i can tell you when you feel at your lowest that is the one time of year that it is in the forefront of your mind.Not having your family there or even someone to smile adn eat stuffing with.Or a tree to look at no matter how small.Or a present to open if its just Little Debbie.In this holiday season i say lets all strive to be happier better people for whatever the reason.Because trust and believe as much as seeing people at rock bottom helps you to appreciate your life and feel better, Bringing those people smiles and friendship helps them soo much more.

Sadface

Really missing Riley tonight. Not sure what brought it on but ive given in to it. So ill just sit in the tub and cry until i feel better. All i can do. And keep reminding myself his life is better now. And its not goodbye. I guess spacing visits is hard to get used to at first. I gotta get a job so i can a car so i can visit.

Advice to birth moms

So in chatting with a friend and fellow birthmom tonight i realized i might actually have good advice. Dont get too excited im sure its not earth shattering brand new never heard before advice. But i know its things that helped me.
So my first tip is...realize,face and grasp the FACT that placing is not going to be easy. I do very well at hiding deep emotion and putting on a strong front,but at the agency signing papers i was bawling crying. With i might add no regrets just lots of pain and tears. But facing the fact that it is hard and it does hurt. And knowing to expect that pain will help. Dont try to be tough and hold it in because it is okay to cry! Cry until you cant breath or move or think. Because it is a healthy release. If God didnt know that we wouldnt have that ability.
This tip leads to my second tip....your new in hospital and post placement mantra is "this is not good bye". i realize this may be a hard thing to believe if you arent in an open adoption. I must first say im sorry if youre not. Secondly i would say if youre in a closed adoption. Be active! Not sexually,i mean really thats not fixing anything lol! I mean in the adoption world,in your community and if possible with your adoption agency.How you may ask? Well thank you for asking! First lets understand WHY ok. Put yourself for a minute in your childs shoes(not literally you may break a toe!) but think of them as teens. They find, out in whatever way, that they are adopted. Ok with me so far? Good. Now what is your first thought? Mad,angry,hurt whatever emotiins you have your thought is "whose my real mom?" Now youre getting it right?? Im not sure if you as a birthmom read any adoption news? I get the adoption news pages on my Facebook and Twitter. After all that is my world and my news. So anyhow if you do then you know there is a constant uproar and desire to get more adoptees and birthmoms reunited. There are registries in every state i think. And nationwide registries. So now you as your teen child are going to Google and find that first. So you as a birthmom need to Google and get registered. Id love to give tips on that but i have no clue my advice is always Google! You can figure anything out by searching the internet! After all you found me! :)
So next id become active everywhere! The internet via Facebook! Your adoption agency even if its just keeping in touch annually. Because social media and the agency that your child was placed through will be another door to look for you. Now if youre active in your community then people know you right? good talk about adoption...about placing. For several reasons. One you never know who you may help. And two if your child manages to find your town when they ask about you people will know you and that you placed. Hence inspiring a lead to you!
So You can repeat over and over "this is not good bye!" If youre in an open adoption then visits,calls,Skype whatever you will see your child again. You will know shats going on. You are not saying good bye! If youre in a closed adoption. Get active and pray...remember its not good bye reunions happen all the time!
Im sure i have more advice but my brains freezing up like an old computer so ill try again for more later...hope it helps! :)

My Family deserves to be proud

Hi!! So i had an interesting night. Sadly i drank too much to work through some drama. However i had a great talk with my sis n law. I finally admitted out loud (which helps cement those self realizations in to your brain) that i have been a very self centered person.
  You may be thinking "no you just did a very unselfish deed with Riley!!" but even selfish people can have selfless moments. My whole life i have been a true Leo..i expected the world to revolve around me. I got in trouble or drama and expected no consequences never thinking of how my actions affected others. When my parents divorced i ran,hence leaving my brother and sister..and im sure my parents too...feeling even more betrayal and abandonment. I never even.considered them just that I was hurt and scared. And when i moved out of my moms after having my first son i didnt think of her,my sister or my son. I thought of playing grown up. When i had moments of depression and tried to kill myself (more than once) i always just saw ending MY life never how it would basically end my families too. I have put my family last always. I have put them through hell and back.
This light bulb moment of mine last night,although swimming in whiskey, made me realize that as much as i want to get my life together for ME (as always) and for my sons...my family deserves to say their proud of me. Ive never given them anything good to say. I cant imagine how they find responses when asked about me if you run my life down its not a pretty paragraph. Its like when you see your friends not so cute baby (yes they do exist lets not lie) and the only response you can say honestly is "what a healthy baby" or "super cute outfit" yea we have all been there!! Well im sure my family has those ugly baby moments with me "well shes pretty and is a great writer" lol i mean they cant say "well she was in prison and has had abortions and adoptions...shes a sucker for men and lets that focus her life down the drain" or maybe "she got over a bad meth addiction and out of an unhealthy relationship...once."
  So my hangover provided time to realize its time (@27) to get my shit together! To work my ass off to create a life,that although may not be mansions and Ducatis, my family can have good honestly proud things to say about me. After all "they" (whoever they is) say If someone doesnt stick around for the bad they dont deserve the good moments....my family has more than proven they deserve those good moments with me!
(Picture of me before all the corruption...when my family was proud of me)

The Best Present

Ok so yay! I can text my posts...bare with me as im very new to blogging and im learning as i go :) So today i got the best present...its funny how as you get older the best gifts are free...Rileys mom posted a very sweet poem about the love between birthmom and adoptive mom for the baby. And although ive read it before it felt like she was telling me this. My heart broke and melted all at once. I keep saying i wish i could find a gift for them that captured my love and appreciation and my mom always replies "you already gave them the biggest gift you gave them Riley." which is true i know. But i guess in my mind they helped me as much as i did them. Yes i gave them a baby they couldnt have but they gave me the family and life that i couldnt be. They saved ME! I was pregnant with no way to raise a baby...and they not only gave me a way out of abortion or struggle but they welcomed me into their family...and stay in Rileys! :D

Growing through drama

So i have been having an issue in my life and since this my place to say whats on my mind and heart i am putting it here.I had a friend who was a birthmom and we were so excited to have adoptive parents who are friends.However as i was embracing all angles of open adoption her family was putting thoughts of the negative in her mind.And one little issue came up and just grew in her mind.She didnt discuss it with her sons parents instead venting to everyone else.I tried my best to be there and to explain that she needed to take her emotions out of it so they could work through it and not to let this destroy them.But she wouldnt listen she was convinced that it was all going badly because she wanted to co parent and couldnt see the problem there.I was getting too involved and i started to fear that with both of the sets of adoptive parents being friends if i stayed involved with her in this drama that it could affect my relationship with my son and his parents and MY SON comes first.So i stepped out of it.I explained why and that i love her but i cant be involved.I handed the issue over to the proffesionals to help her before it was too late.I told her it was hard for me because i do love her and i do want her to solve this.But instead she posted her ventings on my forum page hence disregarding my request to not be involved and putting me in the middle again.I was hurt because although she cant understand my reasons to not be involved she could have respected it.Everything i did for her was out of love even if she cant see that but her actions were just rude and childish.
  Then i got really mad because even though i dont know her sons mom very well i do now from reading the forum on Abrazos site and learning the adoptive parent side of things how very hurt this adoptive mom must be.She has done nothing wrong she still loves my friend and wants her in their life.But they must all seek professional help to work through this for the healthy relationship of the baby involved.But my friend posted a one sided view of the situation and made the adoptive mom look like she was being wrong and rude.I was livid because this is not the case.It is one thing to view someone as the bad guy and another thing to paint them the bad guy to their peers when its not the case.That was so wrong.And even though i had been out drinking with my sister in law i had the rational mindset to get the post deleted from my page.I vented a bit about it only because i could see my friend online still and said what i felt she needed to hear.I was actually really proud of myself in all of this.The old me would have dove into the drama for the need to help a friend but now i am grown enough to see that i dont need drama or negativity in my life and that it could affect my sons life.So i stepped back. A sign of growth.Then i wanted to call her when i read the post on MY page and say some not nice things as the old me would have done stocked the fire....But i didnt i vented a message that can help her if she will ever let it.
  So i have in the end figured out that even if i dont realize it all the time i have grown up and matured more than i ever realized.So thank you drama queen.

Music as a Motivator

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RjFZpaoPC8

This song is so perfect i try to listen to a heartfelt "gotta sing along from the bottom of your heart" kind of empowering song every morning! I think music is a huge motivator!! At least for me...it helps to be able to write out my emotions,my ups and downs. But music is what leads my heart in the direction of the day.It's what heals or breaks my heart.Stops or starts the tears or smiles.Like Footloose i cant hear that song without getting this huge silly grin on my face! Or "kiss an angel good morning" makes me want to put my boots on and go dancing because thats the song me and my daddy used to dance to in the living room. music is the background motivator of your life.SO why not chose songs that motivate you to be strong and positive and believe in yourself? Its just another part of me trying to be a more positive person i guess. :)

DISCLAIMER

So if i manage to gain followers who aren't a part of the Abrazo forum then you dont have the back history of my story.For this i am sorry and i will do my best to write as many "fill you in" points should the past come up in a current post.However,i dont think at this point that i will be writing my life story from point A to the present,as this blog is about my path not taken i shall try to stick to that. My past is full of bumps and curves and lots of negativity.My future shall be about positive people and thoughts and all the mountains i conquer not the ones that have conquered me.I am not by any means saying that this blog is going to be all rainbows and sunflowers,because well that would just be crap and lies.Life isn't easy and it's not always pretty this much i have learned well.It isnt however how pretty life IS it's more how pretty you decided to try and make it,even when it's crap you can grow a flower!
  Please don't get me confused i am not a super optimistic person,i am however trying everyday with the help of alot of new friends to become that person.So stick with me,be willing to read the "vents" as well as the goals.Go through the challenges and celebrate the victories! I am very random in thought and writing please don't get "lost".But if you do please feel free to leave a comment asking anything you need to know.My life is an open book.Which is great since i am now a birthmom in an open adoption.I am all about open these days hehehehehehe...ok i am also kind of a nut just a warning i have an odd sense of humor,but i havent had many complaints.I am also VERY blunt i don't beleive in sugar coating things to make life or facts easier for people to swallow.After all if i had to choke on the emotion and pain then by golly so can you.I do believe in God and Jesus Christ,although my faith is shaky it is present.So if Chrisitianity offends you....well if it offends you leave your name and i will pray for you.Really if it offends you then i say stick around maybe you will see how someone who has been to Hell and back can have faith still.
 I don't talk politics unless you count military talk because my brother is Army and deployed and that subject is dear to my heart.Also my son R's new dad was an Army medic so it's all in the family.
i will talk about E&J who are Rileys (R) parents.They adopted him on October 25,2012.and i am so lucky they live in town with me and have become dear friends.They are the most amazing sweet and quirky people i have the pleasure of knowing.And they keep me in the know on R and send lots of pictures via text.i get visits and plan our own little "Thanksmas" so i really do believe that having an open adoption has made the difference.I can't imagine having R and then not knowing anything after.
  So now that you know i am blunt,open,random and nutty follow my story...the one thats starting on the road less traveled.

 

My First post

So Today is my sons 3 week birthday...sounds a bit cheesy huh? Well when you just recently placed you unconsciously count the days since you no longer had a belly to talk to.I get lots of pictures texted to me and i have several visits since placement. Should i say since leaving the hospital to go sign my rights away and leave the agency and my son behind.Let me clear that up a bit because i didnt leave wnything behind for good,just for that moment.I have stayed very active in both the agency as a community and my sons life.

 When i found out i was facing single motherhood and came to the very hard but rational decision to place R for adoption i was blessed in finding the best agancy possible.Abrazo is more my family now than an agency really. I have made more friends, whom i love dearly, through Abrazo's forum off their website than i could have ever imagined. And it's not that cheesy kind of friendships where everyone says stuff like"so how is life these days mine is peachy" or "just touching base to see if you are okay still" They all know what im going through.Even the adoptive parents have such a wide open understanding of my range of emotions.It is such a big help for me to get through this tough time.

My family has been more of a support than some women get. However i think they still struggle with how to understand open adoption.Now that i talk about the forum and go to the birth mom group meeting every week and then go for visits with R;They see that im trying to be very involved.I feel like im trying to reach the world one person at a time starting with my family.
       It makes me sad that the stereotype of adoption is some cracked out young girl who was raped that gived her baby up in a hospital and never hears from the kid or his parents again.That is so not the case (although im sure in some situations it may be) there are brilliant,successful women out there that come to a wise decision that they just can't raise a baby.And they get lucky enough to find OPEN adoption and match with a couple who is excited to gain not just a baby but a new family too.That keep in contact with everyone involoved because the BABY is the center of everyones world.So that the baby can grow up having so many people who love them and can ask any question they want and always have an answer.So that an adoptive mom and a birth mom can share a connection no one else on earth could ever understand,the deep,awe inspiring love of one child from a mother.It is a bond that should be envied by everyone who has missed out on it.And im truely sorry for all who have.

 So as an intro im sure this is lacking but i have been on the Abrazo Forum for hours and im tired.Hopefully i really can post to this blog from my phone because i dont have a laptop of my own yet! But i do visit my mother enough to post here once a week should the phone thing not work...until next time! :)

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

 

-----This is my all time favorite poem and my mantra when times get hard. I remember when i fall that i can take another path next time. So this is the inspiration for my blog.Because chosing adoption and then chosing open adoption really has made all the difference;both in my life and in my sons life. I hope you enjoy this journey im on as much i have so far three weeks into it.