Life moves faster than you think

Hello there everyone! Im sorry I have neglected this blog so much; my life has turned upside down and back again. I have found that once you allow drugs into your life they haunt you in any aspect they can. My lifemate has found himself sunk in an addiction along with my brother and his wife. I spent the summer up there with all of them and it made me beyond sad to watch and not be able to put up some kind of road block in their lives.
 I've had to put focus solely on myself and get myself together financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. I cant have them in my life without getting pulled down with them. So I am going to make me my focus. I am applying for jobs. Dieting and working out and I will get my life together and pray that they can do the same before its too late.

  I feel like I should keep all of my drama from my adoptive parents. It seems like since we all met I have had one Jerry Springer life after another. Which is also a big motivator to get myself stable and drama free. I wonder all the time if I had a different world to live in if E&J and myself would have built a friendship beyond baby R. I know one day we will and that comforts me greatly and I will be drama free by then too.

R is standing up now, he pulls himself up on things. E sent me a video and it brought the biggest smile to my face. All the drama in my life lately it seems R is my little sunlight. I want to go visit them/him but I don't want to feel sad yet and I have been coping with this situation very well. I just wonder if its because I haven't been in the same town hence no visits. Im not sure but I do know I have to get a job and a little stability first.

My little sister turns 18 in October and it makes me feel like life has blown by me. She has always been the uplifting part of my life. even when we argue and don't talk she is my good side. She sees the best in me and makes me want to be the best me. And thinking of what to get her on her officially grown birthday. I want to rope the sun and give it her so our lives balance out.
 Also that month R turns one which blows my mind that it has been almost a year since I was laying in a hospital bed hidden behind paper towel sunglasses. hahahahahaha and what do I get him???? I had grand plans to make him a shadow box with fort Riley mementos patches pictures and such since he was named after the Army post. But I was caught in so much drama while I was there that I didn't get anything :( ill have to figure it out.

  So this is the fall of big changes and proof that life moves faster than you think. As the leaves change color this year remember they will never be attached to that tree again, the tree will never have those exact colors on it again. Life may always look like the same thing every year but it is really just a new version of the past. You have to have the appreciative eye to see the subtle changes.

The light at the end of the tunnel

So I haven't written here in a very long time and for that I am sorry. On the brighter side of life it was finally for a good reason. I agreed to move my sister in law to Kansas before my younger brother came home from war. I gave up everything I had,my apartment and all my belongings. Except some sentimental stuff. I did this in my mind as my last hooray, my last good deed. My plan was to do this to earn some good karma before I ended my life. I had hit an emotional and mental rock bottom. I just felt like a giant waste of space on this earth. I had nothing or no one going for me. I was set that when I flew back to Texas after moving her I would simply walk from the airport on to the highway and let the pain of traffic end the pain in my heart.

  I have always heard happiness and love find you when you least expect it. Yeah you've heard it before too. Well I hate to tell you this, but it's true. I had reached the last notch on my lifes rope and then came my saving grace, my prince charming. my soulmate and savior. We had been friends when I lived in Kansas with my brother before, we got each other you know. MY life has been rough too rough for most to grasp, and so had his. But I never imagined he would go for me. He was so much better than me in my eyes. And yet upon my return he came to help unload the Uhaul and it happened again. That connection you can neither deny nor fight. It took him a week of my being here for him to confess his feelings for me. And it was like magic, the flood gates of my once dead heart came crashing down the minute he looked deep into my very soul; telling me how much he thought of me while I was gone and how perfect he thought I was. That was it for me,all the thoughts of being wasted space and craving death were washed away.

  I never believed in fairy tales or true love and happiness. All the cheesy lines I heard couples speak to each other before I know spoke to him straight from my heart.We agree on everything, see eye to eye on everything. It makes life so very easy,so easy I ask God sometimes how I deserve this life, how I deserve him. BUt I take it and our love a day at a time all while imagining our future forever days.