So i have neglected my blog im sorry.
To be honest i have been off drowning my sorrows. Not the sorrows that overtake you daily and are so hard to face but rather the sorrows that sneak up in your mind when youre trying to be good and have fun....gotta love that run on sentence!
So i dont feel sad most days. Im good really the adoption hasnt destroyed my mindset or broke my heart. I guess its in a box in the back corner of my mind only to be pulled forward upon alcohol consumption. My goal was to have some innocent fun drink a beer,shot some pool let loose. Yeah that was my goal...im not great with goals. So i ended up stumbling drunk three nights in a row! O man no bueno!
And as i got off my bathroom floor,flushed the vomit filled toilet and headed to the fridge for water i passed my big positivity mirror. You see i have a big wooden mirror in my hall that i write positive messages to myself on. I put my GED and cosmo degree on it so i can remember to be proud of something. I also have an 8x10 of Riley on it to remember to make him proud. Next to him is my little sister;the person who most believes in the person i can be.
So as i passed the mirror in a drunken stumble i stopped to check how bad i looked. Musta been my guardian angel stopping me because i was too drunk to care how i looked. And as i saw not my vomit riddled hair but my accomplishments and personal motivators i felt sick. There in the mirror stared back my infant son and little sister telling me with their eyes how dissappointed they were.
I forgot my water and crawled into bed. The guilt would die in the morning im sure.
The next day a friend thats become my jimney cricket sent me a message that she knew something was wrong i hadnt responded like usual in days. She went on about not to give up. To remember my goals of the woman i can be. At first i was thinking leave me alone little miss perfect life i dont need a sermon okay. But my fingers typed ok i know friend. And as the conversation went on my ice cold fearful self melted enough for the woman i wish to be to peek through.
I went home that night and thought long and hard about patterns in my life. How i handle problems or fear. And how i define fun or even friend.
Im a work in progress one day at a time. One moment at a time i grow. But i can tell you had i not found Abrazo adoption agency i wouldnt have the motivations i do now. I wouldnt have that jimney cricket friend of mine. And i wouldnt get to share my ups and downs with a forum of people who keep me moving forward.
So in my most sober state i can once again say that open adoption has made all the difference.
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