Addiction

Hello my name is Mandi and i am an addict.

What am i addicted to? Anything that fills the voids in my heart,soul and life. Even for just a minute.
I have an addicting personality. Not in the sense that others become addicted to me. Actually due to my addictions and voids most people lose interest in me in time. You see when im up i am sooo much fun! I get high from snorting pills to smoking meth (although its been pills and cocaine for the past 8 years) and im the life of the party or the deepest philospher youd ever want around. I get drunk and im singing and dancing,talking to everyone and causing laughter everywhere. Everyone loves me and i feel like the popular kid that i wasnt in school.
Then i hit a low and i dont want to be around anyone. I cry uncontrollably for no reason. Avoid my friends. Or even cut myself to feel something anything. I have tried to end my life 4 times so far in my life. When this mood hits i usually feel the need to give up on everything and run. Pack what i can call whoever is farthest away and try to start again.
Then the people addiction starts. The friends that think im funny or witty. That feed my ego and for awhile build a glass self esteem for me. I find guys and i flirt and their compliments and attention fill me to the brim. I am a sextoy to them but to me i am a sex symbol. I am desired. I do and say and sacrifice whatever i must to keep that. Then they realize im just a toy and they disgard me and move on to a real relationship. Thus sending me into a low. This is usually when i desire death the most. My mind focuses on what is wrong with me? Wheres the guy that will love me for me? That will inspire me to be better?
Now i can rationalize that I must make me happy and whole not someone else. I must love me before others can love me. But thats an addiction. Its irrational and selfish.
   Thus the addictions all come back full circle. Its not the addiction you think of when you imagine an addict. I dont wake up needing a fix of any sort. I dont sell all of my belongings to aquire my drug of choice. I do not get drunk every night. But it is an addiction, i am an addict.
Realizing and facing this was perhaps the hardest thing i have ever done. Harder even than placing R. Harder probably because of R. How do i tell him one day that i am an addict? That i can't have a glass of wine at his graduation party? Or champagne at his wedding? Or that no matter what pain my body is in i cant take anything for it. It's hard. Its hard to think of explaining to him that i have no idea who his dad is because i am an addict. I filled my voids with guys. Several random guys. He wont understand as its hard for me to understand.
  I got suspended from work this week for crying under pressure. I was at a low. That made it worse. I tried to talk to friends and got the "o well at least you werent fired chin up move on" im not going to make rent having missed 5 days off work. It was going to be tight without missing work. And now when i realize i wont make rent i want to run. Abandon what i cant take and start again elsewhere. Its hard for me to be so close to R and not be able to see much. At least if i live far away i can tell myself i dont see him because of the distance. If i run i will lose many new friends. Friends who want the best for me. A healthy positive me. They will be dissappointed. I will be ashamed. We will fall apart. Its happened enough times before that i can foresee its happening. Then i can see my mind as an addict rationalizing my running. That good ole selfish make everything have a goid reason never face guilt addict personality of mine.

So i sit here thinking what to do to become a better me or give up and run.
To find a fix to this low or get in the shower and cry and scream until im exhausted enough to sleep without nightmares.
Ironic how everyone sees so much or so little in me and times like this i neither see or feel anything.
I am an addict. I have learned to be without emotion.