Life moves faster than you think

Hello there everyone! Im sorry I have neglected this blog so much; my life has turned upside down and back again. I have found that once you allow drugs into your life they haunt you in any aspect they can. My lifemate has found himself sunk in an addiction along with my brother and his wife. I spent the summer up there with all of them and it made me beyond sad to watch and not be able to put up some kind of road block in their lives.
 I've had to put focus solely on myself and get myself together financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. I cant have them in my life without getting pulled down with them. So I am going to make me my focus. I am applying for jobs. Dieting and working out and I will get my life together and pray that they can do the same before its too late.

  I feel like I should keep all of my drama from my adoptive parents. It seems like since we all met I have had one Jerry Springer life after another. Which is also a big motivator to get myself stable and drama free. I wonder all the time if I had a different world to live in if E&J and myself would have built a friendship beyond baby R. I know one day we will and that comforts me greatly and I will be drama free by then too.

R is standing up now, he pulls himself up on things. E sent me a video and it brought the biggest smile to my face. All the drama in my life lately it seems R is my little sunlight. I want to go visit them/him but I don't want to feel sad yet and I have been coping with this situation very well. I just wonder if its because I haven't been in the same town hence no visits. Im not sure but I do know I have to get a job and a little stability first.

My little sister turns 18 in October and it makes me feel like life has blown by me. She has always been the uplifting part of my life. even when we argue and don't talk she is my good side. She sees the best in me and makes me want to be the best me. And thinking of what to get her on her officially grown birthday. I want to rope the sun and give it her so our lives balance out.
 Also that month R turns one which blows my mind that it has been almost a year since I was laying in a hospital bed hidden behind paper towel sunglasses. hahahahahaha and what do I get him???? I had grand plans to make him a shadow box with fort Riley mementos patches pictures and such since he was named after the Army post. But I was caught in so much drama while I was there that I didn't get anything :( ill have to figure it out.

  So this is the fall of big changes and proof that life moves faster than you think. As the leaves change color this year remember they will never be attached to that tree again, the tree will never have those exact colors on it again. Life may always look like the same thing every year but it is really just a new version of the past. You have to have the appreciative eye to see the subtle changes.

The light at the end of the tunnel

So I haven't written here in a very long time and for that I am sorry. On the brighter side of life it was finally for a good reason. I agreed to move my sister in law to Kansas before my younger brother came home from war. I gave up everything I had,my apartment and all my belongings. Except some sentimental stuff. I did this in my mind as my last hooray, my last good deed. My plan was to do this to earn some good karma before I ended my life. I had hit an emotional and mental rock bottom. I just felt like a giant waste of space on this earth. I had nothing or no one going for me. I was set that when I flew back to Texas after moving her I would simply walk from the airport on to the highway and let the pain of traffic end the pain in my heart.

  I have always heard happiness and love find you when you least expect it. Yeah you've heard it before too. Well I hate to tell you this, but it's true. I had reached the last notch on my lifes rope and then came my saving grace, my prince charming. my soulmate and savior. We had been friends when I lived in Kansas with my brother before, we got each other you know. MY life has been rough too rough for most to grasp, and so had his. But I never imagined he would go for me. He was so much better than me in my eyes. And yet upon my return he came to help unload the Uhaul and it happened again. That connection you can neither deny nor fight. It took him a week of my being here for him to confess his feelings for me. And it was like magic, the flood gates of my once dead heart came crashing down the minute he looked deep into my very soul; telling me how much he thought of me while I was gone and how perfect he thought I was. That was it for me,all the thoughts of being wasted space and craving death were washed away.

  I never believed in fairy tales or true love and happiness. All the cheesy lines I heard couples speak to each other before I know spoke to him straight from my heart.We agree on everything, see eye to eye on everything. It makes life so very easy,so easy I ask God sometimes how I deserve this life, how I deserve him. BUt I take it and our love a day at a time all while imagining our future forever days.

Losing the baby weight

So i was a size 6 when i found out i was pregnant. I am now (8 weeks post delivery) a size 16 comfortably. This depresses me to no extent. My first pregnancy i went from 130 pounds to 195 pounds. I lost the weight completly after 9 months. Prison helped alot. Youd be surprised how much a 5 year conviction will shed pounds like water.

   But alas this time i must do it the long hard healthy way. I make myself go for a run when im bored. I never make more than 3 miles ; and the last mile and half are more a brisk jog. I mostly starve myself. Or rather try to fill up on coffee. I get so obsessed with losing weight and working out i make myself sick. My somewhat boyfriend comes home in a couple months from deployment. And i am terrified to the point of vomitting if i think.about it too much. I was super small when he left...pregnant and all. Hes used to dating super skinny girls. I am not even close to super skinny now. I think how will he look at me? Will he be as sickened as i am? These thoughts lead to more not eating,long hard runs until i cant breath or move, and lots of vomiting.

  Sure id love to lose weight and become healthy for me and for Laci. But the man id wish to spend the rest of my life with not being able to kiss me is a big motivator too. Losing baby weight is not easy. Getting those stomach muscles back tight sucks. And it takes more than a few months. But i have decided to put my mindset that im in bootcamp. Military basic training. I shall be my own drill sergeant. After all we are our own worst critic right? ;)
Im going to double my water intake. My protein intake will double. And carbs and sugars (including soda and sugar in my coffee) will be eliminated. Im going to run in the morning and at night even if i only make a mile its something. Im going to jumprope for an hour at lunchtime and youtube core and strength workouts.

It may be hard but im making this my obsession. I will keep ya'll posted on my progress...wish me luck ;)

Sisterly love

So i got news today that my Great Aunt is dieing of lung cancer. My Grandmas baby sister. The sister that has the same calm,positive upbeat personality as my baby sister. She was diagnosed yesterday with an unknown amount of time to live. She was a heavy smoker for many years so its not surprising. Ive never met her,but hearing my mom explain i got a sickness in my gut relating to if i ever lost Lacers.
  I told my mom i could never die slowly of cancer. Id kill myself. Mostly because i have no doubt my sister will be a huge success in life and if i was ever diagnosed she would give up everything to care for me. Id never do that. Die slowly and know its slowly killing her too. My moms response was "well then you better quit smoking now because this makes two people in my family that will have died of lung cancer.You cant kill yourself it would kill her more. The last time you tried to when i told her you were in the hospital a piece of her shattered. You just gotta quit smoking if thats your plan."

    Good point mom. Its funny how much Laci inspires me to do better and be better and she never even knows it. She started eating healthy and excercising last summer and watching her enthusiasm i wanted to eat better and excercise. I will admit i havent given it my all yet;as is a given by the fact that i still smoke. She still plants that little seed in my mind that i want to be like her. How odd huh the older sister wanting to be like the baby sister? Isnt it suppose to be the other way? Maybe thats part of it; I want to be a better person because she is such a great person. She deserves to have a better rolemodel.
   I was so depressed yesterday my mom brought me to spend the night with them. And it only took ten minutes with Laci and my ribs hurt from laughing so much. She is truely the sunshine of my life. And everyone elses life she touches. We studied for her many tests until 2am! And i thought it wasnt long enough. I miss her when im home alone. I miss the sunlight.
Ive had two children in my life. Both adopted in some manner. And i love them with all i am. But when i hear people talk about that overwhelming love they have in their children i relate it to my love for my sister. She is my best friend. I love her to a point that i could never fully express it. Which i suppose is another reason to be a better person. To express my love in actions not words. To become healthy,happy and successful.

     During my pregnancy with R she was my support. When i chose adoption she helped me research. She spent all night looking at the parent in waiting profiles with me. When i got depressed that i couldnt keep him she cheered me up with the fact that id still be in his life. She told me i was brave and strong for chosing adoption for him,and i believed her. When i came home from the hospital and i just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry forever she got me up and took my mind off the pain. Shes the one that hangs Rs pictures on her wall. And i know one day R will adore her as everyone does.She will give him a great rolemodel. (from my side of his family tree)
    Im not a dumb or ugly person by any means. But in comparison to my sister i dont hold a shadow of her intelligence or beauty...inside or out. I never believed genuinly good people existed until Laci started growing up. She is genuinly good hearted,happy go lucky,see the best in everyone and everything,feel deep empathy for others even strangers....she is hands down THE best person ive ever known. Even in her "down" moments of usual girlie moodiness she is a sweetheart that would do for everyone else before herself.
I want to be happy,healthy,successful and in love one day. But above all else I want to be like my baby sister when i grow up.

Addiction

Hello my name is Mandi and i am an addict.

What am i addicted to? Anything that fills the voids in my heart,soul and life. Even for just a minute.
I have an addicting personality. Not in the sense that others become addicted to me. Actually due to my addictions and voids most people lose interest in me in time. You see when im up i am sooo much fun! I get high from snorting pills to smoking meth (although its been pills and cocaine for the past 8 years) and im the life of the party or the deepest philospher youd ever want around. I get drunk and im singing and dancing,talking to everyone and causing laughter everywhere. Everyone loves me and i feel like the popular kid that i wasnt in school.
Then i hit a low and i dont want to be around anyone. I cry uncontrollably for no reason. Avoid my friends. Or even cut myself to feel something anything. I have tried to end my life 4 times so far in my life. When this mood hits i usually feel the need to give up on everything and run. Pack what i can call whoever is farthest away and try to start again.
Then the people addiction starts. The friends that think im funny or witty. That feed my ego and for awhile build a glass self esteem for me. I find guys and i flirt and their compliments and attention fill me to the brim. I am a sextoy to them but to me i am a sex symbol. I am desired. I do and say and sacrifice whatever i must to keep that. Then they realize im just a toy and they disgard me and move on to a real relationship. Thus sending me into a low. This is usually when i desire death the most. My mind focuses on what is wrong with me? Wheres the guy that will love me for me? That will inspire me to be better?
Now i can rationalize that I must make me happy and whole not someone else. I must love me before others can love me. But thats an addiction. Its irrational and selfish.
   Thus the addictions all come back full circle. Its not the addiction you think of when you imagine an addict. I dont wake up needing a fix of any sort. I dont sell all of my belongings to aquire my drug of choice. I do not get drunk every night. But it is an addiction, i am an addict.
Realizing and facing this was perhaps the hardest thing i have ever done. Harder even than placing R. Harder probably because of R. How do i tell him one day that i am an addict? That i can't have a glass of wine at his graduation party? Or champagne at his wedding? Or that no matter what pain my body is in i cant take anything for it. It's hard. Its hard to think of explaining to him that i have no idea who his dad is because i am an addict. I filled my voids with guys. Several random guys. He wont understand as its hard for me to understand.
  I got suspended from work this week for crying under pressure. I was at a low. That made it worse. I tried to talk to friends and got the "o well at least you werent fired chin up move on" im not going to make rent having missed 5 days off work. It was going to be tight without missing work. And now when i realize i wont make rent i want to run. Abandon what i cant take and start again elsewhere. Its hard for me to be so close to R and not be able to see much. At least if i live far away i can tell myself i dont see him because of the distance. If i run i will lose many new friends. Friends who want the best for me. A healthy positive me. They will be dissappointed. I will be ashamed. We will fall apart. Its happened enough times before that i can foresee its happening. Then i can see my mind as an addict rationalizing my running. That good ole selfish make everything have a goid reason never face guilt addict personality of mine.

So i sit here thinking what to do to become a better me or give up and run.
To find a fix to this low or get in the shower and cry and scream until im exhausted enough to sleep without nightmares.
Ironic how everyone sees so much or so little in me and times like this i neither see or feel anything.
I am an addict. I have learned to be without emotion.

Great new Artist

Watch "Georgia Blues- Cody Bridges" on YouTube
This guy is deployed to Afghanistan now and recorded this while there. He is my best friend Travis' NCO thats how i heard it. I love the song and the fact that while at war a great talent is found so please listen to it and show this soldier some support!!

learning to be a better person at the bottom of a bottle

So i have neglected my blog im sorry.
To be honest i have been off drowning my sorrows. Not the sorrows that overtake you daily and are so hard to face but rather the sorrows that sneak up in your mind when youre trying to be good and have fun....gotta love that run on sentence!
So i dont feel sad most days. Im good really the adoption hasnt destroyed my mindset or broke my heart. I guess its in a box in the back corner of my mind only to be pulled forward upon alcohol consumption. My goal was to have some innocent fun drink a beer,shot some pool let loose. Yeah that was my goal...im not great with goals. So i ended up stumbling drunk three nights in a row! O man no bueno!
And as i got off my bathroom floor,flushed the vomit filled toilet and headed to the fridge for water i passed my big positivity mirror. You see i have a big wooden mirror in my hall that i write positive messages to myself on. I put my GED and cosmo degree on it so i can remember to be proud of something. I also have an 8x10 of Riley on it to remember to make him proud. Next to him is my little sister;the person who most believes in the person i can be.
So as i passed the mirror in a drunken stumble i stopped to check how bad i looked. Musta been my guardian angel stopping me because i was too drunk to care how i looked. And as i saw not my vomit riddled hair but my accomplishments and personal motivators i felt sick. There in the mirror stared back my infant son and little sister telling me with their eyes how dissappointed they were.
I forgot my water and crawled into bed. The guilt would die in the morning im sure.
The next day a friend thats become my jimney cricket sent me a message that she knew something was wrong i hadnt responded like usual in days. She went on about not to give up. To remember my goals of the woman i can be. At first i was thinking leave me alone little miss perfect life i dont need a sermon okay. But my fingers typed ok i know friend. And as the conversation went on my ice cold fearful self melted enough for the woman i wish to be to peek through.
I went home that night and thought long and hard about patterns in my life. How i handle problems or fear. And how i define fun or even friend.
Im a work in progress one day at a time. One moment at a time i grow. But i can tell you had i not found Abrazo adoption agency i wouldnt have the motivations i do now. I wouldnt have that jimney cricket friend of mine. And i wouldnt get to share my ups and downs with a forum of people who keep me moving forward.
So in my most sober state i can once again say that open adoption has made all the difference.